You say, "Trust." I say, "Trust what?"

For as long as I can remember, I've heard people say, "Trust God," "Trust the process," "Trust." And while it seemed like a good idea intellectually, I never really got it. In fact most of the time, the whole idea kinda pissed me off. If I was scared or worried or overwhelmed and somebody said "Trust God,"  I secretly thought, "For what? Am I trusting God to keep something bad from happening to me or someone I love? Is God, my Higher Self, or 'the process' (whatever that means) gonna rush in and fix this thing up for me to my liking? And if not, what's the point? What is my trusting for?"

I have lived enough life to know that bad stuff, unwanted stuff happens ... you know ... shocking things, things that happen no matter how well I plan, strategize, and try to prevent them, no matter how hard I work to clean up my "vibration," my "point of attraction," in hopes of avoiding such things. Bad stuff happens anyway. Life happens - complete with unexplained illnesses, career failures, untimely deaths, and losses so unexpected, so heartbreaking that I wonder how a loving God could ever allow such things. And why would trusting such a God ever make any sense?  And if it doesn't work that way, if there isn't a God "up there" orchestrating things on my behalf, then what is it that I'm supposed to trust and why? Some say it's karma or my Higher Self and that painful events are all about lessons or mirrors for what I'm holding in my unconscious ...... blah, blah, blah. No matter what you call it, it still sounds unloving and punitive to me, and like yet another, all too human, lame-ass attempt to make sense of life's inherent tragedies and suffering.

Lately though, it seems as if someone, life, has cracked open a little window for me and shed some light on this whole subject of trust. I've realized that maybe I'm not being asked to trust that life won't hurt, that bad stuff won't happen, or that something, someone, or even my own machinations can save me from life's heartbreaks, but that the heartbreaks themselves are the key. I can pretty much trust that in this life, my heart will break. And when it does, the shell, the protective armour I've placed around my heart, will break as well. And if I can stand it, if I can bear it, to let it break open, and break open some more, its breaking will open me to the most reliable, trustable source of love there is - the love that's in my own heart, the love that's in me, the love that is me.

And so now I'm starting to get it. Even though I can't trust God, my Higher Self, or anyone else to fix things up so I don't have to hurt, and while I can't count on myself to control my own life, what I can trust is this ... life itself. With all it's unexpected tragedies, deaths, and failures, Life is always, always taking me where I truly want to go. It may not suit the desires of my ego, my desires for control, and "no bad stuff," but it speaks to the deeper desires and purposes of my heart - wholeness, freedom, love, peace, compassion, and Oneness.

If I can let go a little and trust in the not knowing why or where this is all going, I can feel my life marching me steadily, assuredly, persistently onward, challenging me to open as I go, asking for my surrender, and doing its part to deliver me, open me, and reconnect me with that which I really am . . .  Love.

And that, my friends, is worth trusting, no matter who or what you call it.


Shelly

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